F.A.Q.

Q. Please share your two top insights, or better yet, exercises, to deal with the problem.

 A. Honor the ambivalence the couple is experiencing. Let them be in their discomfort for the short term. Most importantly, as the couple write their CS® contract, they are obliged to cooperate on the decisions they make.  in this way, there is a significant shift from being adversaries to being advocates in good faith.  Later, the couple will make a decision when they are ready.

Secondly, Active Waiting is the key to helping the couple use their time productively. It is in this period that self-discovery can occur and give them the fortitude to redefine the relationship.
 

Q. Have you helped a couple do a controlled separation while both have still been in the house?

A.     Yes. It is harder though than when they have to share the same facilities. It can be done. The details they have concerns about will be managed in the agreement they draft with your guidance.

Q. Many therapists will not do marriage counseling when there is an affair going on. Why would you not ask them to give this up for the separation as you do gossip and other shenanigans?

 A.  The affair is a loaded issue.  There are so many complicated facets to it.  Coaches and therapists take the position that behavior such as the affair is not something that they can morally mandate a client to do or not do.  This is an integrity issue for the adulterer--something this individual needs to come to terms with in his/her own time.

Q. How can dating be consistent with working out marriage?

 A. In terms of the couple dating each other, usually the partners decide the frequency of dating each other and take turns making plans for this to happen.  The purpose is to bring them together in a way that can be appealing, particularly if they avoid talking about what went wrong with their relationship.  For dating to be effective, that topic should be worked through with the counselor/coach.
 

Q. Is there research on this approach yet? If so, what does it indicate? If not, is there any underway or intended?

A. There is no scientific research on this yet. Our hope is to begin such a study in the next year or so with an interested University.

Q. What about the effects on children?

A. As we know through current research and testimonies, the effects on children when parents divorce is often very damaging. The effects of controlled separation® can be much less because the parents are working as a couple for the best interests of their marriage as well as the children. This allows for a sensitive and loving approach to the discord in the home. This will teach the children that despite the marriage not being a bed of roses there are solutions, and the children learn about trust and know they are cared for and will not be abandoned.

Q When is controlled separation® not warranted or useful? With what couples?

 A. CS® is not for every couple. Not all couples in trouble need to separate. Many couples benefit from a discussion of the elements of CS® to bring order to their relationship. Many couples benefit from good marriage enrichment like PREP or PAIRS or RE. Some couples benefit from individual therapy as well as couple counseling to deal with individual and couple issues.

 In situations where individuals are addicted to alcohol or drugs, CS® is inappropriate. One or both individuals are in an altered state and unavailable for solutions until the substance use is stopped. Hard core issues like violence, sexual or physical abuse, must be addressed immediately.  I give couples four sessions to abstain from this inappropriate behavior.   If that is not possible, I recommend anger management courses, etc. to work on the violence and/or addictions first.
 

Q. What are the reasons for a controlled separation when there is an ongoing affair and no contract to stop seeing the third party during the separation contract? Why would the rejectee agree to such a contract?

 A.  Despite an affair, some couples will agree to a CS® because there is sufficient ambivalence on the part of the betrayer.  When the betrayer has one foot out the door, then the wheels are greased in preparation for divorce. Some rejectees will agree to a CS® contract mostly because they love their partner and still cling to the hope of upholding their marriage vows.  The rejectee is willing to wait it out, praying their spouse will change his/her mind. 

P.S.  I have saved many, many marriages this way!
 

Q. Best way to tell the children?

 A. Together. Work out the script of how and when to tell them together. Deliver it together. Be available together and individually to answer their questions and concerns. Know that this is a defining moment in their lives. Make it as safe for them as possible. They did not ask for this.

Q.  When noticed they were cooperating in setting up guidelines, do you point that out to them?

 A. Yes. The role of the facilitator is to coach, to promote cooperation, to affirm each partner's strengths, to encourage the couple to hang in and to let them know what they are doing is risky and takes courage to do.  Everyone will generally do more of a good thing when it is pointed out to them

 Q. Bill Doherty talks about the mandate of therapists to not just coach couples (with children) but to make them aware of consequences for children of divorce. He calls this a Moral Mandate. How do you see this?

 A. We are in complete agreement with Bill Doherty. The point of CS® is that couples divorce much to easily and we are challenged now, through the Marriage Movement, to reverse this trend..

 Q. I’m unclear. How do you help couples negotiate over the “dating others” issue? When one spouse wants to date others but the other feels that it is a violation they can’t live with, how do you handle that?

 A. This is a personal choice.  If the partner cannot live with the hurt and pains of infidelity, what choice do they have other than trial separation or divorce?  Remember, infidelity is one of three major reasons people get a divorce (the other two are violence and substance abuse/addiction).  If the partner still loves their spouse and is willing to wait, with CS® and my relationship coaching techniques there is a 75% chance of saving and revitalizing the marriage.

Q What happens if at the end of the agreed time, the couple is still not sure which way to go? Can the time limit therefore force a divorce?

 A. At the end of the time limit the couple can renegotiate the agreement and extend the contract and time apart. Remember to honor the ambivalence. This process is not intended to trap the couples in a corner, but rather to give them the time and structure they need to make sound decisions as to what is best for the marriage and the children.

Q. How important is physical separation to making this work, i.e. same house or same property (guest house) – is that distant enough to do a CS®?

A.  A guest house would be appropriate.  The most important thing in an in-house separation is for partners to respect their physical and emotional distance.  Within two/three months a safe time has been established whereby conflicted issues can be addressed calmly with a positive focus on resolution of their differences.

Q.  What would be your advice for the couple  who have an infidelity issue? The unfaithful spouse wants a divorce in order to be with the third Party. The faithful spouse wants to hold on to their marriage and is willing to do anything in order to save the marriage. Would controlled separation be helpful in this situation or will it motivate the unfaithful spouse to continue with the extra-marital affair? Would Controlled Separation be helpful to couples with alcohol or drug issues?

A. CS is a SELF-SELECTED voluntary process that the couple must choose for themselves. If one  partner is not willing to participate, there can be no agreement. However, if the unfaithful partner is willing to give it a try, suspend the other relationship and agree on the issues needed for a CS, it may proceed. The time out offered by the CS, without the pressure of legal finality hanging over them, may service as a practice period for single life and life after disruption of the family, which could potentially conclude in a reunion of the couple.

Q.  Have you ever had couples decide to share the house one or two weeks at a time while the other moved out?

A.   Really, any and all variations of living arrangements have been used and are appropriate under two conditions:  1) The children’s welfare comes first! and 2) The couple must mutually agree to the arrangements.

Q.  How do you handle “the Church” and individual couple and children’s needs in spiritual, sacramental needs?

A.   That would be their responsibility to seek pastoral guidance from their church. Each faith has its own rules and canons on the sacraments and spirituality and those are best addressed by church leadership.

Q.  If one doesn’t move out isn’t this very confusing to the kids?\

A.  In-house separations require even more attention to the  rules and boundaries for the on-going relationship.  The facilitator must help the couple get very concrete  about what behavior is acceptable and when and where within the home.  The  whole thing may be confusing to the children. It is important as a couple  to talk this over and help the children understand as best they can given their developmental stage.

Q.  Can this work if the couple is already separated?

A.   Absolutely. The couple’s trial separation is usually quite vague. CS will provide order and structure to what would otherwise be a chaotic and destructive period in a couple’s marriage.  The issues included in a CS. contract are valuable fodder for critical discussions that can lead to saving the marriage.  it often is ideal in that the couple is already separated and the CS can clean up their agreement, tighten it, and create more structure which can lead to better results. Use the CS Guidelines to negotiate time limits, agree not to divorce during the life of the contract, and address other issues that are muddy.

Q.  If they both say yes to dating, don’t they decrease chances of reuniting?

A.   Yes. However, Lee had one case where one woman had afew dates with another man after the couple separated, but she stopped because she loved her husband and was willing to wait it out. Her husband was having a torrid affair ten months before the couple signed the CS contract. One month later he quit the affair and they now have a good marriage.

Most likely, if both partners are dating they are not focusing on repairing the problems of the marriage.  But, they may also find that their fantasy outside of the marriage is not realized and gain new insight into the value of their marital relationship.